Self loathing

The self hatred, the suffering, the self inflicted pains, and I know this sounds absolutely stupid but I find it pleasuring. I have developed a habit of hearing my head say “we can’t do today” but I know I cant let myself down again. So I give myself one quick surface slice and for some insane reason as the cold pain drips I feel like I just took control back??

But then after that good feeling goes 10 minutes later my outlook on it changes and I start to beat myself up because that cut right there.. Thats another failure. Thats one more scar on a body already filled.

Is using harming a form of realise or is it me giving in to the demons.

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